No One is Invited to My 27th Birthday Party

Ok! Back to regular posting! I miss my little blog and the few commenters that I have.


It was my 26th birthday a couple of weeks ago.

I am not a fan of birthdays. Ever since I turned 20 my birthdays have been, let's just say, disappointing. I usually tell the couple of people I really like what I'm planning on doing and they go along for the ride. In the past I have gone to bars, baseball games, on boat rides, dinners, etc.

This year I decided to ignore my birthday for the most part. Day of the big 2-6, I slept most of the day. Got a few gifts from my close friends and went shopping. I received no phone calls. I received 2 Facebook messages- one from my brother that simply said "happy birthday"(which is an odd situation in itself) and one from my father. I called my mother as she had surgery the day before. My birthday was like any other day. No cake. No candles. No celebration.

I decided that I wanted to have some fun, so the following Friday I planned a small fiesta. Dinner, drinks, and cake. Out of the 29 people I invited out for drinks on a Friday night... 3 showed up. Four including me! I can't say I'm surprised. I knew it would be along those lines.

What ever happened to the time when everyone went to everyone's birthday parties. If you weren't invited, you got upset. The birthday boy/girl could even threaten to dis-invite you and you were actually concerned that they would do it! People couldn't wait to buy you gifts and they couldn't wait to play with you on your special day. Now, no one wants to play with you on your special day. They are all out of town or working or too tired. However, they expect you to come to their parties.

I've decided I am not going to anyone's bullshit parties anymore. Why do I show up to parties and birthdays and fundraising functions and no one comes to mine? I'm done being social. I am declaring myself akin to the bitter ol' hermit whose yard kids run past on the way home from school. Screw you guys and your Facebook events, I will forever be "not attending".

All kidding aside though, as you get older there is no doubt that you lose friends and it only gets harder to make new ones. When events like this occur and your eyes are opened as to who is really there for you it can be sad, but it is also nice to see who is beside you when your eyes do finally open. I had a wonderful surprise that night when someone I did not expect showed up and it was wonderful to chat with him after so long.

In my own humble opinion- birthday parties should be outlawed after the age of 18.

Long Overdue Update

On July 31st, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my long time fiance. It was very unexpected and difficult for me. I moved in with an amazing friend who let me sleep in her living room while I figured out what exactly I was going to do about find a place to live. I slept on an air mattress for a month and lived out of Rubbermaid containers.

I went to go see many apartments- some nice, some horrible, some with bed bug problems, others without. I looked at places far from my old home with my Mister. I looked at another across the street from him.

I finally decided on a bachelor apartment with a lot of storage just down the street from 2 of my jobs. It includes hydro. It's a short bus ride or a 40 minute walk to my old apartment. I'm starting to think about things that I need. I need a bed! I need a table. I need so many things that it is a little scary to think about when I move in I will have next to nothing. But that's ok. I plan to make my new apartment colorful. Very colorful. I want it to echo a happy life. If the apartment is cheery, maybe I can be too.

Speaking of new things... I did not mention... I got a new job. It is only a part time term position but it is a great opportunity for me. I am working as a residential care worker in a 28 day rehab facility for women. It is a crown corporation, so I am basically with the government right now. It also mean that it is the most I have ever made hourly :) I have already worked 3 training shifts and people think that I am excelling- I've admitted people, discharged people, ran a group, written logs, dispensed meds, and more. The women are all cookoo crazy, but I can get along with them. My next shift is an overnight from 11pm til 7am. Wish me luck on that one. I've done it before at a shelter I worked at and I was okay. Although, this place is a lot more quiet than the homeless shelter.

While writing this blog I kept thinking that it seems like I am moving on. I'm not moving on so much as shifting. Shifting spaces, shifting paradigms. When one door closes... another opens... I'm keeping things from my old life, but I am also letting things go. I hope those things I want to keep in my life want the same thing. Those things should contemplate a pardigm shift of their own.

The Situation

Currently homeless... and not the cool kind of homeless like the junkies who walk barefoot all day with scary dogs, dirty hair, and really good tans.

Chesterisms

More and more everyday I feel like this little dog, Chester.

Chester is constantly trying to impress Spike, trying to get Spike to play with him, trying so hard to get any sort of attention or positive reinforcement from his hero. He thinks of things that Spike may like to do and offers them. He would even go as far as fetching Spike a bone or beating up a cat. All this work for a little bit of quality time spent with someone he likes.

I feel like everyday I have to fight for attention from those around me, whether it be from employers, potential employers, family or friends, even the goddamn cat won't hang out with me. In my head I'm always saying "Look at Me!" and no one even bats an eye. In all my Chester-esque glory I try harder. "Look what I CAN DO!" Backflips! Juggle oranges! I'm seeing the crowd yawn now... I start to wonder "what's wrong with me?" I slip into that mind set and think "why not me?" or "when will it happen to me?" or even "when will that damn cat learn to hug me?"

However, in the end, little man Chester gets his just desserts. If you remember this cartoon- Chester ends up beating up the cat when Spike is unable to. Chester becomes Spike's hero and the tables turn. Spike begs for Chester's attention. The roles in my life have yet to switch. I have no one begging for my attention as I give it freely in hopes of getting some in return. Maybe I think that by putting myself out there, the chance of a good return is better? A single person cannot give constantly and not receive. This post may make me sound needy, but people are social beings. We need interaction and positive vibes to make us feel part of something. Right now, I don't feel like I am a part of anything. I feel isolated. I feel like coaxing the cat into a conversation with me because he is the most likely one to talk to me as of late.

When attention is lacking in life's relationships how do you know it is time to move on?

Paradigm Life Shift

When you are in your twenties it seems like life is always changing- you are moving, traveling, every school year is different, you get new jobs, new friends, new boy/girlfriends, etc. Your paradigm is never really a paradigm- life is never the same, so how do you know when it is shifting?

The last paradigm shift that I felt in my life was leaving my mother's home- that was 7 years ago. I went from feeling like a child to feeling like an adult. I went from being *somewhat* cared for to caring for myself. That was a wonderful change for me, it made me independent and encouraged me to budget my money.

I woke up today and felt another finite shift in my life. I am moving, yet again. This will be move 7.0, but it is a very different move. I am moving to an apartment where it will be just me. Only me. Alone. That's it.

My life is going from being a duo to being a solo act, in a sense, without a break up or parting of ways. I have been feeling for a long time that I need a heightened amount of independence. I want to know that I can do it on my own. I want to show other people that I can do it. I don't want to have to depend on anyone- not that I really had been.

Paradigms, they are funny little bastards. They can make your life good, bad, or just plain different. How has your paradigm shifted lately?

The Importance of Being

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in life's day-to-day. You have bills to pay, groceries to buy, a home to keep up with, and relationships to juggle. It's also easy to get caught up in how those daily life struggles make you feel- maybe you are overwhelmed or worrisome. Confused or concerned about how things are going or how they will turn out in the future. Understandably so, life can be a downer when you let all these things get to you.

I complain a lot about not having a full time job. I complain that I have very little money. Those are the things that bother me the most right now, but... when I think about it- those shouldn't be the most important things in my life. They shouldn't make me feel so bad. I shouldn't let those things interfere with how I want to live my life. It's true what they say, life is short.

Lately, I have been thinking about what is really important to me. I have enough money to sustain myself. I can put a roof over my head and food in my belly. I can get myself around town easily enough with my resources. I have spare time to cook and clean and enjoy the summer. If I wanted to, I could up and leave this city to start anew. I'm not tied down by a 9-5 and I kind of like that.

If money and jobs are less important to me then what is important? I've been thinking about this a lot and the most important thing in life to me is love. I know, it seems so corny and something that you would never expect from a pessimist like me but... being loved and giving love- that's all I want on this whole Earth. I want to feel loved and give my love to someone who will accept it fully. There can't be anything better than that feeling. A job can't give you that. Money can't buy it. Love doesn't care if you've been to University or College. If you have found love, don't let go of it.

What is the most important thing to you?

P.R. Update

The Personality Revelation was an interesting project. Two days into being positive and a less worried individual I got a phone call for a job interview. It seemed to be working! I also got more responsibility at my volunteering position. I cheered up someone who was having a bad day and I attempted to change another person's outlook on a situation (it didn't work, but I would usually just stew in the negativity with them). I still spent way too much time on the internet though.

However, I did not keep my word that it would be for a week. An event set me off on Sunday and I blew up. It put me into a funk for the next 7 days and when I looked for help to pull me out of the terribleness that I had fallen into, there was no one willing to take my hand. That pushed me further down into the terrible funk. Other things began to bother me and I became extremely sad about all things surrounding my life. I tried little things here and there to pick me up, but no response. Finally, it is Monday morning and I can not stand to be the shell of a person who hardly speaks and sleeps most of the day away. It is Monday morning and I am trying, no- I will put last week and the realizations that came out of my and other people's actions behind me. This week is the week of making yourself happy. And, not just yourself- others around you too.

Interview on Friday. My 6 year anniversary is also on Friday. Canada Day. Work BBQ tonight.

Wish me luck and here's a picture for good measure.

Class Graph and Vodkas

Hello All,

Sorry for the lack of updates over the past week. I know I need to update how the Personality Revelation went. However, as I mentioned, my laptop has decided to meet its' maker and I am currently using a 40" tv as a monitor and typing from a fold up lawn chair- ahhh, yes. The life of an underemployed undergraduate. Did I mention I live in a humid basement suite and am drinking in the middle of the day? Adds to the visualization doesn't it?

Anyways, I found this interesting 'thing' on the internet through another blog. It is an interactive graph about class.

Here is my graph (Click to Enlarge):


There has to be something wrong here. Why am I in the 90th percentile of education and then in the lower halves of occupation, income and wealth? Why is it that when we specialize in something we seem to get paid less? Why do people with more education than some make significantly less money?

Try out this chart for yourself. Let me know if you see any patterns or correlations. Or, let me know if it also made you start drinking in the afternoon. :/ or :)

Personality Revelation Update

Tuesday and the continuation of the Personality Revelation was difficult for me. My mother visited. Enough said? Yes, if you know me well, enough said. If not, then it may be hard to understand.

She makes me very negative. She loves to use guilt against me and can be very self-centered. So, being positive and upbeat was very difficult for Tuesday. However, even through the new apartment mockery, 'no one cares about me' guilting, and the 'I need an operation' conversation drummer. I was able to stay is a generally okay mood for the rest of the day.

Wednesday was sort of normal, I worked and it was boring. Not much to say here. I took the bus home- 3 buses and an hour and a half, not to mention a 20 minute walk without any offers from someone to pick you up (not true- the offer came when I was 10 minutes away from home waiting for my last bus and he was playing MarioKart). Still I did not complain- even though it was 29 degrees Celsius outside and I had to prepare dinner when I got home even though he had already been home for 2 hours. Nope, I was still in a good mood- even when my Motherboard decided to split and I could not move my laptop without it turning off. Still okay. But, you can see how something like all this would make me crack right?

Then, more walking and drinks at Bar Italia, then more walking back home. I walk a lot in the day. More than you can imagine.

Today, I am trying to figure out how I can be in 2 places at once. I'm half way there. Just have to figure out how to get somewhere in 1 hour that takes an hour and a half usually.

Wish me luck with all that jazz.

Personality Revelation

On Sunday I had this weird and amazing idea...

I was chatting with someone very special to me and they told me that they did not like the person that they were. I of course thought this was crazy because I think they are truly amazing and that is why I love them. However, I completely understood what he was saying. There are certain aspects of myself which I can't stand. But, I never change. I never even try to change.

Things I Don't Like About Me:
-----------------------------
-I worry too much
-I'm too negative
-I interrupt people ALL the time
-I'm not spontaneous enough
-I spend too much time on the Internet
-I always feel like it's me against the world

So, I have made a conscious decision to be the person I want to be for the next week. I promptly made a list of traits I want to embody.

Things I Would Like to Be:
--------------------------
-more positive
-feel more free and less tied down
-need less money
-hopeful
-see the bright side of things
-be more spontaneous
-worry less
-use the internet less
-more creative

For the next week, I am going to try my hardest to be these things. One day is already behind me and it went quite well...

Monday:
-------
I got up at 8am to see my Honey off to work. He has been feeling down lately, so I left him a a sweet little note on his dashboard with a coupon for a free hamburger from one of his favorite restaurants. I used the internet to check my emails and such- but did not spend as much time as usual on it. Then, I cleaned up the apartment a bit, did dishes, put dinner in the crockpot to cook, and made play dough for my child minding session at the women's shelter. All this before 10am. Took the bus to the women's shelter- bus was late, missed my transfer, got on the wrong bus, ran to catch a late bus, all this and made it to play group on time!!! That is enough to put me in a foul mood, but I managed to see the bright side that I was still on time and that I learned to not take the bus that says Island Lakes on it. On my way home, I stopped for a $15 haircut at a new salon. At first I worried as she began to cut and thought, I shouldn't have done this... but then I reminded myself that it is only hair and it will grow out in a week or 2. The cut turned out okay and I caught the bus home. Had dinner with Honey and went to play basketball/catch with him at the park nearby. This put him in a great mood and I was happy. We then put together some furniture from the move and arranged the living room. I also took him out for ice cream. I was happy to see Honey feeling good. Night ended well and we watched a new, weird show I was told about- Breaking Bad.

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I will keep you posted on my personality revelation, or you could join me. Make your own list and try this experiment for a day, week, month! Post your list somewhere that you will see it often like the bathroom mirror or the fridge.

28 and nothing yet...

As of today, I have applied to 28 jobs in 3 months. Still nothing. It is getting very discouraging.

I also can't decide what to do about going back to school. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but now something else has come up and I'm not sure. I originally thought that I wanted to go into social work. But, I just discovered occupational therapy. Which would probably be more work, but seems really interesting.

Move 6.0

On May 31st, my darling and I changed our living locale for the 4th time together. Yes, I moved. I have lived in 6 different places in the last 10 years. It seems like a lot, but it doesn't feel like a lot.

I can't stand moving. It is a lot of work. Packing, cleaning, hauling, driving, hauling again, unpacking, organizing. Bleh! Too much! However, I love what moving symbolizes. To me, moving is about going forward. It is about change and the thought that it could bring new things and perhaps new opportunities with it.

Moving is also a time to shed. Shed things that you do not need. Shed things that are weighing you down. Why do I need so many plate sets? I will never watch these DVDs again, why do I still have them? I wish my mother would stop buying me knick knacks... Hotel shampoos are terrible- why do we always take them? Etc. In this move, we shed a lot of 'weight', still hoping to shed more.

Some interesting things I found in the move:
-a broken Brita water filter
-a string of patio lights
-excessive amount of University paper work
-so many great mix cds from approximately Grade 11 and up
-photocopied pages of an old Mennonite cookbook

We are living in a peaceful neighborhood, surrounded by trees and what appears to be a horde of rabbits. We can play basketball across the street and barbecue down the street in the park. It is a welcome change from the concrete jungle ghetto we had been in for so long. Living in a place like that really hardens you. It makes you very insensitive. But, it also toughens you up- I'm not afraid of downtown like so many others. I can walk freely without fear. For that, I am thankful.

Perhaps the change of scenery will encourage a change of persona and we will both become more lively and active. I am certainly excited for everything this life change has to offer me.

Where in the World is JV Winnipeg-o?

I haven't written a real post in awhile. I have been feeling especially useless these days. I could be the +30 degree weather we have been experiencing in the middle of May, or it could be that I really have nothing significant to do. I have been experiencing a total lack of motivation these days. I get up, ride the god awful Winnipeg Transit System, go to work sometimes, come home, once in awhile I will go to the gym. My life has become very boring as of late. All the things I enjoy doing are absent- no gardening this year, no more school, no real job prospects that interest me. My current volunteer position is somewhat less inspiring than I hoped.

I feel... stuck. Stationary, without movement. Where am I going? I don't know. Where do I want to go? Anywhere. What am I doing? Not a whole lot. What do I want to do? No clue. It seems like all those closest to me are moving ahead at this rapid pace- boyfriend has a great job that he is sure to excel at, they love him there, and he just purchased a new car :). My closest friend has secured an amazing full time permanent job with a crown corporation and is looking to buy a condo :). My other great friend is having an amazing summer in the Canadian Shield while working and kayaking :). I'm happy for all of them, and I understand that I am at least 5 years younger than them all, but when is my big break coming around? When will I find that thing I am good at?

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I can't blame anyone else for where I am in life (I could if I really tried, haha). I just have to pay my dues and crawl slowly to the top, or at least the middle- I would be happy with that.

I know what I don't want to do, that is a start. I don't want to work at McDonald's (Starbucks, I could handle). I don't want to work in a homeless shelter (been there, done that). I refuse to work with adolescents (NEVER AGAIN!). Little kids I can tolerate- even enjoy at times. I love doing research- my own or for other people. I like counseling work, but need more experience to get a job (next volunteer project).

Ok, enough complaining. Suck it up and get your ass in gear.